Before you share your story please read these guidelines:
- Be respectful to each other (and yourself!). There are many types of stories and many types of decisions made.
- Do not make excuses or try to explain the crimes committed. This is your story, not theirs.
- No victim shaming or blaming shall be tolerated.
- Child abuse of any kind is detestable. If you don't agree with that statement please find another blog to share on.
I am a warm, kind person, but if you can't follow my guidelines I will give one warning before coldly deleting your comments. Except there will be no warning for breaking #4. I hope you understand.
Evie, (part 1)
ReplyDeleteThis story has been a long time coming. 10 years in fact. That is where my story begins. Probably around 6 years since I found your blog. I was looking for an outlet, but never utilized this one. Ten years ago, I got a call at work from my daughter. She informed me that my 3 year old grand-daughter told her that my husband, her grandfather (step-grandfather) had touched her in an inappropriate way. To say the least, I was shocked, stunned, confused, paralyzed and every other adjective you can come up with. To make a long story short, I told my husband and he was appauled and denied it. I went to my daughters and when I left her I was convinced that what she told me was true. I went back to my husband and he tried to deny it again. It didn't take but a few seconds for him to confess. My shock, confusion, paralysis, grew to complete loss of my senses. What was I to do? I couldn't think. My marriage flashed through my mind to try to find any sense to it, as well as the events of the last 6 months. That was when I had found out that my husband had a sex addiction which manifested itself in pornography, and an event with an adult woman. That even almost sent him to jail, but was cleard. But it cost his family thousands of dollar for an attorney. Talk about humiliation. Anyway, the only thing that my fried brain could come up with was to get him away from my family, and send him to his parents (in another state) to tell them what he did. Sound foolish? That is how totally out of I was. There is more between the incident and when I found out about his addition, but that was between him and his family. He spent 3 months with his family, then returned and was arrested for child rape. He spent 5 years in prison and 5 on probation and counseling which he recently completed with flying colors.
Evie (Part 2)
ReplyDeleteBUT...it tore my family apart. And I have suffered guilt, shape, sorrow, loneliness, feaqr, more guilt, more shame, etc. And this had been for the past 10 years. In the beginning my daughter and I were able to stay connected, but I had to leave the state. The state where my inlaws were (there is an underlying reason for that) which was where we once lived. That was the beginning of the gradual decay of our relationship. Then it completely shut down when it became clear that I didn't plan on divorcing the man who violated an innocent child. Why? Sometimes I wonder. He is not an evil person. A pain in the butt, sometimes, but not an evil person. But someone who had dealt with an addiction to pornography, from his teen years, and eventually graduating with technology to child porn, leading to the statistically eventuality of acting out. This was so out of my realm of possible reality. I was almost suicidal. I couldn't wrap my mind around it all. I realized almost immediately that I had to turn to my GOD for direction. I mean directly to HIM, because my church fell short. They tried, they really did, but they weren't then when I really needed them. So, I ran away to my inlaws. The Lord had softened my heart toward my husband, such that rejection and divorce was not what He wanted for us. So skipping 10 years. Here we are in yet another state. He left his line of work and started a new career in a restaurant. We have a wonderful church family, and wonderful friends. A select few who know specifically what he did, and others who only know that he spent time in prison. We have more friends than we have ever had in our lives together, who love and support us. Male and female. But still, I have deep moments of guilt, shame, loneliness, and secretiveness. I have one female friend who knows he is a registered sex offender, but we don't talk about it. Our lives are very limited and we experience all of the earmarks of societies rejection. Where we can live, where he can work. We have been blessed by GOD with a place to live and a job for him. But some things are changing with our situation and it just brings everything back. It was made worse when I found out by someone else that my daughter was pregnant. She didn't tell me. I have only seen my grandson once. That was when I went back for vacation, after not being able to do so for around 8 years. I was a stranger.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEvie (part3)
ReplyDeleteFortunately I have sisters who don't confront, and are only concerned with my well being. I just came back from visiting again, but I was not welcome by my daughter, my son, nor my 4 grandchildren. They see me as a betrayer, one who abandoned them, rejected them over a child abuser. I really understand the way they feel. I don't fault them. That, I believe, would negate what they have suffered. I just have no outlet for those moments when I am overwhelmed. When I feel alone in my shame. I have a decent, although meager life, but I am tormented every time I hear people I know talk about their wonderful children, and grandchildren, and what they do as a family. And the fact that I wasn't the ideal mother and made my own set of mistakes and bad choices in my life, adds to my guilt and regret. But that's another story. Through this all, it is only by the grace of GOD, and His comfort when I am open to it, that I haven't totally perished. From the beginning, in so many unusual way has made it clear that I will survive, that I am to stay and that He is loving my husband through me. We are both believers, which made it even more difficult to understand why this all happened. So I suffer as silently as possible. The two significant things that I can attest to, is that my marriage is intact and relatively healthy, and I have lost 45 pounds. That weight loss at age 64 was major, and healthy. So my body is healthier, but my heart fluctuates from 8 to 1 on the depression scale. Oh my....I think that is enough for now....it is a start.
Thank you for allowing me this purge...I had a live person (counselor in the other state) to release to, but have no one here. That is difficult because it piles up. This helps, some. Thank you Evie..I appreciate your sight.
Thank you so much for posting your story. I can so relate. My story is similar, but in the early stages (less than 2 years in). I feel very much alone and do not have anyone I can share openly with. I see a councilor and participate in SANON. it helps, but I do not feel they completely understand. I look forward to reading more of what you have to share. I have been praying for someone that can help me through this. Just to know that I will survive. I hope to find comfort and healing through this blog. Thank you again. Neese
DeleteEvie (part4)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your response, Evie. It came when I really need to connect. I am feeling especially sad right now. My first grandchild/son has just graduated from high school. It caused regret to rear its ugly head. Questioning all my choices over the past 10 years. Seeing how they have all grown. Seeing what a great Mom my daughter is.......being a mirror to all my dreams and the cracks of all my failures. But I hold onto the arms of my chair and wait till the flood passes...it's a big one. I'm in a head place now where my weight loss is in jeopardy. An unexpected job change threw a boulder in the road. And me with low tires. What am I not learning ? What am I missing? This too will pass ?????
i'd love to talk to you more about your story. please email me if you'd like. jzam711@gmail.com
DeleteI am 23 and am going through something similar. trying to decide if i should stay...
What am I missing? This too will pass ?????
DeleteUntil he does it again, or he gets caught.
Porn does not lead to child rape porn, nor child abuse.
He has been telling you a story; unfortunately, many women fall for it.
i am struggling with this. A few weeks ago my oldest child who is 22 told me my husband abused her in her early teens. I am in shock and so very sad. I feel like a failure as a mom. I have two young girls still to raise. We are all going to counseling. There is no trial date yet. I am having such a hard time functioning. I want to isolate myself in shame.
ReplyDeleteLiving with the aftermath of 'finding out' is like living with chronic grief, someone/ something died or is about to die, about to go on trial and we must find a way to struggle on through all this...for the sake of our children if no one else.
ReplyDeleteSo many of us share your feelings. We certainly understand that we should not shame or blame the child-victim but we somehow blame (and hate) ourselves. We think if we had just been a better mother, a better wife then this disaster would have happened.
Mother love isn't "magic' it doesn't turn back the clock or avert betrayal or somehow make up for the tragic weaknesses of others. In our saner moments we know that, we really do, but still at 3'a.m. we wake up and go over and over 'what we should-a, could-a,would-a,done and on and on... what we didn't see, things we didn't say or said. We did not pray hard enough to be a good mother...
We shame and blame and reject ourselves as though as mothers we possessed some magic ability to love away reality. We blame ourselves for failing to love enough in spite of the plain fact that we did and are doing the best we can for all concerned. Everyone but us.
All of us blame (still blame) ourselves at some point. That's why we need each other here on Not the Life to remind us that even though we are doing everything we can to heal the hurts in our families, we are did not somehow cause all this. We are Not alone in our grief. No matter how isolated and alone we may feel at 3 a.m. at least here, on Not the Life, you/ we come to understand and love ourselves once again.
We can come here any time day or night and find the kindness and understanding of other women who share our grief, we don't blame or shame or reject. Kindness heals. Include yourself in the kindness you give to others.
I know right now you are doing everything you can to take care of everyone else in your family, Please don't forget to be kind to yourself. If your best friend were going through this, what little kindnesses would you offer her? A warm bath? A new lipstick? Time to walk along the river? A quiet trip to sit in the cool of some church? clean sheets/ pretty underwear/ a cup of cocoa? Maybe a trip on the internet to Not the Life? Please come, see and share with us here to Not the life. Share your journey, share your growing wisdom. Make Time to heal. We are here for each other and certainly for you. Remember best friends do not shame or blame each other....be your own best friend, share kindness with yourself too.
We do understand your grief but those of us a little further along this path also know you will come through this stronger, better, wiser than before. Take Care my friend...Janet Mackie
Thank you for your kind words. I am up at all hours of the night thinking about what I missed. My older children (his stepchildren)are angry with me. My little ones miss their dad and I don't know what to tell them. I miss my husband. I would never say that to anyone around me. I keep looking at our family pictures and try to figure out how I could have known. Now I have to try and pay all the bills on my salary and keep up with all the yard work and animals he used to care for. Everything seems it wants to break down on me now. I of course broke the mower and got it stuck a few times. I am sure I will figure all this out. I have too for the sake of my little girls.I am thankful to find this blog and will visit regularly.-Gina
DeleteYes Evie. We all know that child sexual abuse is wrong. Just because some of us are devestated doesn't mean we don't know that. But thank you for telling me what I've heard countless times from people who think I must think child abuse (in this case, viewing teen porn with no contact or interaction) is okay. It's not okay.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when you spend two decades with someone building a life together, his story becomes your story. Or maybe I'm just not as good at staying unscathed as some people.
And here's the worst part that I would never say to anyone except maybe my therapist (who I had to stop seeing when my ex husband lost his job and health insurance): I'm jealous of "survivors" because they have support groups like RAIN and people who want justice for them. They have people who will listen to their story and validate their pain.
People don't want to hear my story. People want me to buck up and stop complaining. It makes them uneasy. People want me to be willing to suffer endlessly with a smile in the name of justice for children (just not my children). One woman told me recently that families like mine often can't get past our "victim complex".
I suffer from depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress.
I'm not saying that I'm jealous of people being abused. Of course not. I am jealous of the resources they have to heal and survive. I'm jealous that people care about them.
Delete this if you must.
I don't see any reason to delete your message. This blog started as an outlet for my frustrated anger and that's what I hear from you. I'm pretty sure I understand. I agree with much of what you say about support - it's just not there except for these casual internet venues that we create. You are encouraged to keep venting here.
DeleteBy the way, my statement about child abuse is (ironically) due to a victim who raged on this blog, claiming that all of us support child abuse. I felt the need to make myself clear on that point, just in case. Her comment is also the only comment that I've ever deleted, not because she was a victim but because she was highly offensive in her language and unfair in her accusations.
I completely understand. This is something I continue to repeat. I am a victim too!! My whole life has been destroyed. All my friends, family, and loved ones have have left me. I am truly alone. I have suffered a severe traumatic event. I am depressed, angry, lost, and confused. And yet there is nothing out there in the way of support or services. This is messed up! I am a victim too!! Why don’t others see this? I thank all of you for sharing your heart ache. It is a blessing. Neese
DeleteThe woman who told you "you can't get past your victim complex" is one of the toxic people you need don't need in your life. The Knock on the Door leaves us all with plenty of collateral damage to deal with, not the least of which is people who think everyone must think like she does.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right about the fact that we (mothers, wives, daughters, 'significant others') are often shamed, blamed and expected to run not walk to the nearest exit/ to divorce court just to please our neighbors and keep custody of our children. We are often expected to join the Lynch mob to prove we hate "monsters and love children. If we chose to stay because we know they are human beings beyond the "label', we find ourselves counted complicit in their'crime.' After all, we "lived right there" .. turned a blind eye.. Why do we still believe he'll change, believe he's sorry, hope?
I understand your anger and your hurt. I do. I am angry and feel hurt myself. It sneaks up on me, spurts out on people I care most about...The real story is after all these years, love remains. We all make our own choices for our own reasons. Stay, go, visit prison, make a life 'on the registry' divorce, remarry, we need to know that somewhere we can find others who understand and care about us even if our decision are not the same, other's who've been through their own version of this disaster. Other's who care and respect each other. Who know the pain and hurt, and yes, the anger and enormous courage it takes/ took each of us to make our differing choices and deal with the consequences of the choices we make after the knock on the door.
I'm truly sorry there are so few resources for us (except for finding each other) as we go through this. We search the internet to find the (anonymous) voices of other women just like us who face the choices we face and depending on their own particular situation are (or once were) also forced to make hard choices just like the choices we face. They are the ones we can trust and learn from.
We have to be able to find and to speak our own truth and sadly there are so few places to say aloud our truth or hear the truth about this situation and decide how we might chose going forward (without always being told we do not care about the safety of children).
On this blog, Not the Life, we support you and each other period without demanding you (or I or anyone else here)have to make the socially approved 'right' choice. Not the Life, exists because we need each other as we work through this. We feel/ felt isolated and alone, shamed and blamed, silenced and wounded by what happened and by the disrespect we encounter afterwards. In all this our voice, the woman's voice is missing except on blogs like Not the Life.
I'm sometimes jealous of those still living the life I once thought I had, others who don't seem to realize how fragile happiness is, or think they already have all the answers, people who are as safe in their certainty about the world as I used to be. I see 'happy families' who've never had to experience all this and I can't even imagine what my life might have been had none of this happened.
I can't go back, I can't un-do, I have to make my best choices considering what I know now and then move forward because not to decide, is to decide, to choose to keep feeling like I'm bleeding to death somewhere inside and no one cares. But I can't let myself just die of my own neglect. I must take care of myself and then maybe reach out to someone I love.
What ever choice you make/ have made, we understand, We are here for you. Come back, add comments, you are safe here. Tell us how things are going with you. Healing does come slowly, but it does come, no matter what personal choices we make. Know there will be other women in the future who read your honest comments on Not the Life and find strength for their own journey. We care about you.
Take care, JanetM
Thank you. I'm sorry for the outburst. I get so depressed sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he and I, ready to divorce, are both still breathing but dead inside.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have gotten through jail and even a really horrible restitution. He did something wrong and he owed a debt. But the registry just killed me inside.
He's just some anonymous porn addict (recovered) who saw stuff that was on the internet.
My daughter used to get so angry the year after her dad was forced to leave that she would have these meltdowns that were so horrific I want to cry thinking about them.
Nobody seems to care about my children but me and a few others. Their well being is just not part of the equation and I'm just supposed to accept that. I can't.
Thank you for bringing up the subject of 'life on the registry' and talking about all the harm/ hurt'supervision' can inflict on families once prison is over.
DeleteOne of the problems we face with "life on the registry' is that the Adam Walsh Act/ AWA (and title I SORNA which governs how states implement the sex offender registry), is based only upon what original conviction (aka the 'original sin') and fails to recognize that human beings can and do change. Many State registries fail to evaluate how much present risk each 'offender' might still pose to society as as time goes on. For those states in full compliance with the AWA, a 70 year old man who was convicted of the crime of statutory rape in the 1970's is still labeled and treated as though he remained just as 'dangerous' (a Tier 3) as he perhaps was when he committed the 'original sin' 40 years before. Ignoring the fact that most human beings do feel remorse, learn to do better, aim to make up for their mistakes (recover) pay their debt, the AWA Registry fails to recognize even the possibility of 'redemption' in it's fixed insistence upon vengence.
After going through so much, it is discouraging that in many states a lot of society still believes we are our labels: 'once a sex offender always a sex offender' (once a porn addict always a porn addict etc.) Life on the Registry serves to shame, blame and silence families. Registry supervision feels punitive and pointless offering no light at the end of the tunnel. Based on 'once a sex offender always a sex offender' with no recognition of change, no means of re-entry, no way to be accepted again families are beaten down, couples turn on each other.
Since many people in the US support this Revenge Model rather than recognizing re-rehabilitation (recovery) is possible, living 'On the Registry' can be daunting and discouraging, especially when we have survived the knock on the door, sentencing and prison only to face this final, unexpected hurdle.
In a way, I am glad you refuse to accept all this. Some women reading this know from personal experience what you mean when you say 'life on the registry' has left you (both) and left your children 'still breathing but feeling dead inside."
With 883,000 names on America's the sex offender registry (and so many families hurt, angry, and suffering as you are) there are lot of 'us' out here. I don't have any magic solution to all this ignorance directed at families 'on the registry.'
However this saying comforts and encourages me when I too feel as though I just can't go on ..."There is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, the tender branch there of shall rise again."
Even in the dead of winter, there is the certainly of spring's return. Even 'on the Registry' there is hope for you, for your children, for him. We are not the labels they paste on us. We are far better, more courageous, more 'moral' (and, yes more human) than their labels imagine us to be. Who we are does not depend upon their recognition of us as fellow human beings. We are not our 'labels.' Each one of us needs to live so as to be worthy of our own self respect. If we can look ourselves in the mirror, we know better than to accept their pejorative labels. We can go on to make a life for ourselves in spite of the Registry and the collateral damage their prejudice continues to inflict upon us all.
Take care. Hope rises. JanetM
People can be so hateful. I'd like to find the woman who said this blog supports child abuse and kick her in the head. Am I allowed to have ONE FUCKING RESOURCE or does giving me an ounce of support hurt the "real" victims in all this? If I said the things to a victim that have been said to me, someone would put a bounty on my head. Yet it's perfectly okay for people to try to silence me, tell me I should be over it already, tell me they wouldn't trust me around their kids, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteWelcome to Not the Life!!! Glad you found this resource and vented here instead of kicking someone in the head or getting a Bounty put on your own head! Probably everyone here on Not the Life has felt just like you're feeling now but we too (well most of us anyway) have managed to restrain ourselves just like you have! No need to hand the haters our heads on a platter... Keep (your) cool head no matter what. Be the better person in this often very unfair mess and if you can't Vent Here! LOL Just Saying Janet Mackie
ReplyDeleteIn a way, the blog can be seen as enabling. There are a lot of post with people trying to move on. This is great and should be encouraged. Religion has a habit of enslaving people to unethical spouses. Then there are the enablers, who only think of themselves. I think some women act like victims, but we're predators and the marriage was convenient. The post that support enabling, are indirectly supporting child abuse. In my mind, there are only two victims: the women that leave before the trial and the actual victim.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but I don't think we support enabling here on Not the Life. I agree that 'predators' want every choice their partners make to be one that favors/ enables them to continue taking advantage. While Not the Life supports claiming the right to say both yes and no, speak truth to power even in relationship and developing each woman's courage to make her own choices (Whatever they may be.) I even think that 'predators' may actually 'recover' that none of us are our labels while continued shame, blame and silence makes no child safer. What do you think?
Delete
DeleteMany of these women have a choice to leave, or stay.
They choose "love" over self-respect.
They need to stop ignoring their true feelings and act on it; it’s telling them to leave.
Do you really want people accusing you of participating when he/she does it again? They are blindly assuming they will not. There is a reason that law enforcement has the system designed this way. If they were not married to them or dating, then this would not be an issue.
Life rarely gives you red flags and when you see them, respect them. There might not be a next time.
Many on here need to listen for the voice of reason. RUN
Please someone, is this place still active? I am a mess, need to talk
ReplyDeleteNot the Life I Chose is still active and we are all here to support you and each other. Please give more specifics about what's going on with you so we know enough to try to be helpful.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog and I hope it can help me get out some frustrations. I have been with my bf for over two years now. Before we met, he had consensual sex with a girl who was 15 going on 16. He was way older than her. Almost a year after it happened, the state decided to press charges against him. He was never arrested for anything, never in jail. This has been going on for 2 years...We just had his trial and he was found guilty of aggravated sexual abuse. This girl admitted on the stand that she did not tell him her age right away. That she lied to him about it, she lied to her mom about him. She admitted that everything was consensual, that they were in a relationship, that she knew how old he was, that she was smoking and drinking (both activities that would indicate she was at least 18). She was even arrested for underage drinking and he's never been arrested. Anyways, none of that matters in this damn state...All they hear is that he did it. Even at his trial, the judge denied the states request for him to be locked up and he was able to come home. We won't know until next month what his sentencing will be. I have a 10 year old daughter who adores him and views him as her dad. Her biological father is in her life somewhat, but she does not have a good relationship with him. However, thanks to these so called laws, if I chose to stay with my bf, I have to tell her father once he is actually registered (which won't happen until sentencing so right now we are not breaking any laws). I know her dad will not be OK with this. He won't care about the details of the situation. I will not choose my bf over my daughter and he knows that. But I'm sitting here in tears knowing that there's a 99% chance I won't be able to continue my relationship with him unless I want to wait 10 years for my daughter to turn 18. I'm so lost. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't even know what will happen. I don't want to lose anyone. My whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know what to think or do. I'm so afraid of the what ifs. I just cry and cry because I don't see a happy ending with him. Any help or advice would be much appreciated
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry you and your family (including your bf) got sucked up in all this. Unfortunately what you describe is all too common in most states. Ex husband's sometimes use 'convictions' (no matter how relevant to actual child safety) as a means of getting back at ex-wives, wives and mothers in such cases. Even father who actually care about their kids get irrational (panic just like most of the rest of'society' when they hear the word 'sex-offender')
ReplyDeleteAnyway, please use Not the Life as a safety valve to express your fears, frustrations, and gain support and courage from women here who know just how hard all this is. Please know you can comment or start a conversation whenever you feel the need and you will be listened to with support and sympathy and maybe even get a few hopefully helpful suggestions. My 'suggestion?' Hang in there. You are not alone. The way you feel right now is (unfortunately) normal. We really do care about you and understand what you and your bf and your child are going through. E-mail or comment any time We have your back. Take care, JanetM
Anna (Part 1)
ReplyDeleteHi everyone! I hope this group is still active. I need help, advise suggestions... Or simply people who understand. Anything really, I'm pretty desperate. My husband and I are going though some really really tough time right now. We met around 4 years ago through friends and immediately clicked. Clicked so hard that we couldn't and still can't spent a moment away from each other (except that now we're forced to). Well, around 3-4 months into dating/living together, one of those lovely nights, he tells me that he's been lying to me about where he was past couple of years and why he divorced his ex-wife (yes, he's been married before me for a few years). As it turns out, he was in jail and he is a sex offender. He has been watching amateur porn for years and one time his buddy who worked at his gym told him about women in locker rooms and a way to look at them without being caught. Now... my husband is a really good-looking guy, with a charming personality who had NEVER had problem with women. But for some reason this thrill just excited him so much and he started videotaping these women on the camera. Eventually his buddy got caught.. And he of course dragged him in too. Police found little camera in his locker and later on when they searched his home computer they found a zip file deleted years ago with child pornography. In court the prosecutor was never even able to actually prove that he had opened the file and loocked through it, but my husband just plead guilty to everything. I don't think at that point he had actually had any plans on having a normal life, his wife left him, he lost his house, job.. Pretty much everything and as if it wasn't enough of a punishment already, all the details of his case were on the news and EVERYBODY knew. So before going into trial he attempted suicide but was taken to the hospital and revived. Anywasy, he spends in prison almost three years and almost immediately after he gets out .. We meet.
Anna (Part2)
ReplyDeleteI understand why he didn't tell me everything right away, but I felt betrayed. We bad some really tough conversations about this but he swore he will never betray my trust again if only I have him a chance to prove himself. And I did. Even after everything I've been through up to date, I don't regret marrying him. We've just been so happy. Despite everything and everyone we were and are just in love and just happy. And I'm so greatful for those happy years. But happiness came with a bitter aftertaste. Over the years I've noticed that he has this almost self-destructive... I guess instinct? I don't know what to call it. He'd do crazy risky stuff like jumping with parachute, or dragg racing or boxing... He has been verbally and physically abused by his father growing up and I think that left some serious scars that impact him to this very day. Additionally, he is diagnosed with chronic chemical depression and anxiety, but I feel like it all ties nicely together in one horrible, miserable mess of a knot. I don't know why I'm saying this... I guess I feel like it's relevant for our story. But by no means am I trying to justify any of his actions by this. He did what he did and that choice was his only, no matter how much it hurts me to admit it to myself.
Anyways, we stay together and work through probation, registry, no money... but still somehow we're very happy next 3 years. Now, I don't come from a rich family, so I'm not really all that impressed with money... I know how to live without it and enjoy life. He didn't come from a rich family either, but for him making good money was a way to prove to his father and himself that he is worth something. Well... Now he wasn't really able to make any money because nobody really wanted to hire a sex offender, unless it was some basic medium-pay job. I was and still am in school, and he full-heartedly supported me in pursuing my dreams while paying all the bills and making sure we gave food on the table. We didn't own our house, nor our car... Fortunately at the time and very unfortunately later on, people who he had started working for provided him with a pay, car to drive and place to rent (which I'm sure people here know how hard can it be for someone on the registry to find a place to live). Everything seemed like it was getting better, but very soon those people realized that my husband fully dependent on them and he couldn't really get away. So they started taking advantage of his situation ... Lowered the pay to a bare minimum we here we barely were able to make the ends meet, worked him crazy hours and finally kept firing him and taking him back next day almost on a monthly basis. It was insane. I kept telling him to quit but he didn't... He later on told me he felt like no one else would hire him and where would we go? We had no money saved... No car? What would I do with school? And finally last hit was when I got deported (I am a foreigner). I finished school and my student visa expired, so i had to return to my home country. Guess what? He couldn't come with me because of probation and registry and I couldn't apply for green card/citizenship for two years, because of previous visa regulations. We were separated and there was really nothing we could do about it.
Anna (Part 3)
ReplyDeleteThat's when he started working out a lot. With obsession. I've noticed. I knew something was wrong and ill never forgive myself for not confronting him... I knew he was in a very bad place, but I never thought he'd do something stupid that could force us to be appart more than we need to be already. Long story short,i was able to get in grad school and return several months later on a new student visa. We were happy... But there was this giant cloud of misery over him. I could almost touch it. So one morning after I give him his lunch and send him off to work with a kiss, he returns home 30 minutes later telling me that he betrayed me and just starts crying. As it turns out he did exactly everything he did several years ago. He started when I left and was still doing it when i returned. And he got caught. Peeping, two counts of missdeminor and no jail time for that in theory. BUT initial child pornography charges, that ironically were never even proven in court, put him in position where he violated his federal probation. He is away for 15 months. He left me all alone to figure out where to live (we rented from the same people) and how to move with no car, how to pay the bills without being able to work legally and very little friends left... Since all people have left to say to me nowdays is how could I marry someone like that?! Oh yeah... Important detail, HE MADE A SPLASH ON LOCAL NEWS! News crew have actually had the guts to show up at our doorsteps, and when we didn't answer the door went around the neighborhood asking our neighbors if they knew they were living next to someone who molests kids and what not. So... A lot of dramma. I'm honestly on a verge of some sort of a breakdown and I've been crying for around 2 hours nonstop before I decided to look for an outlet online. I really don't know where else to go and who to talk to. I love my husband. It hurts me so bad to be away from him right now and it will sound so stupid, but I lit up every time he calls. I love him with all of my heart. But I love me too. I cannot bear the thought that he singlehandedly has done this to us AND been lying to me this entire time. I don't know how I can trust him after this. And I don't know how to build a family with no trust. I won't abandon him while he is in prison, because he has nobody left but me. But I'm exhausted. I don't know where we go from here.
Hi. My name is Janet Mackie. Glad you found Not the Life I Chose. We keep on keeping on (blogging and persisting) because we have been there felt that and we know how you feel now from personal experience. We also know how lonely it gets still loving a 'sex offender'
DeleteI think you are right in assuming your husbands (and your resulting difficulties) stem from his being bullied and abused as a child. There is such a thing as Post-Traumatic
Growth but like alcoholism etc. it's pretty hard to get out of the loop and while I don't believe the canard "once a sex offender always a sex offender" I do think stress triggers a lot of misery that seems to cycle back again and again one form or another. One (maybe) good thing is that he's in the Federal correctional system. I think the feds do have some pretty good sex offender treatment groups and looking at porn and 'peeping' are both 'looking.'
It sounds like you and he do have a pretty good relationship and that he's capable of having a real loving relationship with an adult in person. (sorry for all this pseudo 'clinical' blah blah/ jargon) It's just my opinion.
I know you are hurting and feel like you are at the end of your rope...but I say enjoy the phone calls, get your masters degree and do not think about making long term decisions for at least 6 months . As far as strangers and people you assumed were friends asking "How could you be married to 'someone like that?' It truly is none of their business. If they get too pushy just look at them and say "I can't believe you asked me that." (there are other ways to shut people down (Like "why are you still bringing this up?") Sounds like you guys got the entire 'treatment' from reporters, to neighbors with pitchforks, to deportation and on and on. I am so sorry.
I don't know which state you are in but there are organizations that have chapters in many states (such as Women Against Registry / Vicki Henry phone # 800-311-3764) and there's a good organization in California run by Janice Balluchi (sp?) that provide opportunities for you to meet other people in person ( a nice cup of coffee and a conversation can do wonders.) and there's a national organization that's trying to start basically 'talk' groups around the country called Fearless. (You can Google sex offenders or collateral damage There's also a board where you can post comments) if you are interested/ ready for that let me know and I'll get you the info. I'm glad you decided to google and reach out (after crying non stop) because it tells me they haven't shamed, blamed, beaten and bullied you into the ground. They are treating you like the bullies that created your husbands problem in the first place. I say, enjoy your husbands phone calls for the next 15 months (I don't know what your phone bill is but in state prisons especially, the costs of phone calls can be phenomenal) as I understand it, not so much with the Feds. Please keep in touch, keep the conversation going if you want to. I'm here for you. It's true this stuff is exhausting so just rest, take it easy, know you have friends out here, other women who know just how 'betrayed' you feel. You are not crazy for loving him and he didn't do this with the intention of hurting you. He just did 'it' and he needs to take care of his self esteem learn his triggers and overcome this problem. We certainly understand the place you are in so Consider yourself hugged! Take care, hope this helps. Hear back from you soon? Take care, JanetM
Anna.
ReplyDeleteHi JanetM! Thank you so much for such a quick response, and I'm extremely grateful for strong women like yourself who are not afraid to openly talk about a live of a sex offender wife. I would actually really appreciate any info you can provide about support groups or any other resources. I don't really think I'd have a problem sharing my story especially if it can help someone. I live in VA, but I haven't really came across anything like that around here... Most likely because I just started looking. I do want speak up and share, who knows maybe my story will help someone one day. But as of right now I think I need to help myself first.
I've been trying to find a therapist... But it seems to be somewhat challenging to find someone knowledgible in such... Um sensitive area. The therapist my husband and I went to when all the helps broken lose (assigned to him through his probation and what not), just honestly seemed to be sitting there to collect her paycheck and didn'tt really care about her patients. That also showed in court... Which is one of the reasons why my husband got twice of the MAX amount of time he was expected to get for violation of his probation.So if anyone has experience looking for a professional knowledgible in a very specific area of expertise, I'd greatly appreciate an advise regarding to how to go about that.
Last night, when I was in an exceptionally bad place, my husband actually called me and we talked for a few minutes. While trying to explain why I was having a break down, something like "I'm scared that my love for you may not be enough to prevent you from doing this again" came out of my mouth... We're always very open with each other and I didn't even notice how this came out. I think that stirred up some of his dark inner thoughts too. After I got off the phone with him, I received several long messages from him (thank God he is in the prison now and we can communicate like this as well). Everything in his messages pretty much came down to him telling me that he loved me very very much, and he hated himself for putting me through this. He also said that loving me also means wanting the best for me and in this case it's better for me to move on. He also said that being apart like that will most likely result in me just starting to resent him and he cannot bear seeing that in my eyes, so its for the best if we stay god dann "friends" now and try rebuild things after be gets out if I still wanted to. So I've received several long messages of this nature. I can only imagine what kind of effort it took him to write that to me. But also I hate myself for saying what I said and the way I did, because that's not what I meant at all. But thats what happened and now I honestly think that he is preparing himself mentally for the fact that I will most likely leave him. I would be a liar if i said that I never considered that, but just a tiny idea of actually doing that and not having him in my life makes me want to throw up.
To sum up: 1. I think I need to find a way to process my thoughts and feelings with someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation, so I don't go bat shit crazy like this again. And 2. I really think I need to find a way to educate myself about my husband's problem and ways I can help him deal with it. So everything goes back to my original question, how do you guys go about finding a therapist experienced working with sex offenders. Or any other sources to educate yourself on the matter.
Thank you so much, I greatly appreciate the time you take to answer to me.
it sounds like you are sorry for what you said because he thought you'd decided to leave. When I hear you say, "I'm scared that my love for you may not be enough to prevent you from doing this again" I have to tell you NO ONE can love anyone "enough" to prevent them from doing what they feel compelled to do. This is't because you didn't love him enough. You love each other the best you can. each works on their own issues for themselves. Some are afraid if they change they will change in ways that will meant they no longer 'fit' together. Don't get me wrong, I don't know if any of this is true in your case I'm just saying people are afraid that when they are apart or for example when they go into counseling/sex offender therapy they'll change and lose someone they love. It's a chance you both have to take. Change happens but it's not bad to know the person before is still there. you both just need to get re-acquainted with the better persons you became while going through all this trauma/prison etc. finger pointing is traumatizing We're angry and afraid. It changes us whether we want it to or not.
ReplyDeleteTruth to tell I felt like someone died and I didn't know if it was me or him. But things will work out. the 'path' begins to appear. (Read what other women who posted here had to say about making their own decisions) also there's a Blog Post on here somewhere about Post Traumatic GROWTH. The trick is to resist self blame/ anger/ grief and at the same time take care of yourself so you come out stronger, more able to cope with the bullying you inevitably experience from the (in-)justice system and others.
Deepak Chopra gives 7 'coping methods' that I find helpful (no I'm ot the touchy-feely type but whatever works) He says that being intensley angry ends up being a form of self-harm because it has been clinically proven to wreck our immune system and causes us to trigger and dump our anger (and grief) on each other instead.
1) catch your negative thoughts early: It's hard to lift your self up once you sink into gloom. When you spot the shift to irritability, anger, frustration, worry or pessimism pause. tell yourself "I am safe right now in this moment" take a few deep breaths and center yourself.Let the emotion pass and go for a walk or think/ look at something void interacting with people / lynch mobs/ bullies who spread shame/blame gloom and doom if you can. 3)Develop your own inner supportive dialogue. 75-80% of people 'talk to themselves' When the voice in your head starts in making you afraid, beating you up for something you did (or didn't do) like when you beratted yourself for what you said to your husband on the phne...tell yourself"I don't eed this. It does't serve me. In fact this sort of beating myself up harms me" 4) Keep company with positive supportive people (like on Not the Life I chose) 5) try thought replacement strategy. They teach you this in cognitive therapy which addresses thoughts and beliefs rather than 'feelings' Fo example: If you start telling yourself "What's the use. Things will never work out" You might say to yourself instead Actually things do sometimes work out. I've succeeded in preserving so far. (or of the old so far so good. Instead of guaranteeing failure by talking yourself into it.
6) develop being centered and detached. (I'm safe in the present moment) Center allows you to view whats happening from as a wittness/ observer. it helps you to figure things out better. 7) get sticky emotions to move. negative feelings have a mind body conection. If you have been crying for hours even after you stop it take a while for your body and emotions to balance/ stabilize. Take deep steady breaths. lay down, sleep,talk to a sympathetic friend (post on Not the Life) Take care, JanetM
I just need an outlet. A month ago my world turned upside down. My husband had download child pornography and the police came and took all our computers. We're still waiting to see what the charges will be. These last few weeks have been a living hell. My husband has tried to erasure me that he's still the man I married but he's wrong. That man died on May17th. The perfect life I had was all a lie. For the women who file for divorce, how do you do it? How do you sum up the courage to walk away from your relationship? I worked so hard to build this relationship for the last 10 years. I worked extra hard when he was unemployed and I was supporting us. I always put him first in my day to day life. How do you start over? How do I walk away from a decade long relationship? This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I can't tell friends because I'm embarrassed. Just last month we were all celebrating my wedding and now I am separated. All in 3 weeks. I'm just so heartbroken that the man I loved didn't love me enough to stop doing what he knew was wrong.
ReplyDeleteSame story here. 11 years in, with a 9 year old child and I stumble on child pornography on his computer. With my counselors assistance I turned him in to the police. It has taken me 8 months ( 6 of them living in different states) to finally ask for the divorce. My heart is broken. Life as I knew it ended in an instant. The one thing I am truly thankful for is that my child appears to have remained safe. Thank God.
DeleteI recently found out that my soon to be husband is a sex offender. I only found out because he was arrested for failure to register and probation violation. He was afraid to tell me due to the way his previous partners had reacted by leaving him. I understand why he didn't tell me. I was hurt that he didn't tell me. I am not mad. I am clueless about it all. He was convicted in 2005 of sodomy in the 3rd degree with a 14yr old. I have seen a letter from the girl that states nothing happened. His public defender did not present this in court. His family states that he wasn't at the house when it was supposed to have happened. He states he didn't even know the girl. He says he was with his girlfriend and her parents at the horse track. Another thing the public offender did not mention. He was arrested on 04/02/2017. He had court in May and the judge revoked his probation. He now has to wait to see the parole board in October. I am a single mom of 3 boys. I don't know how things need to be done in order for him to come home as far as my boys are concerned. I don't know if he can legally live with us. I have spoken to their dad and he is fully aware of the situation and has no worries about his boys with my significant other. I just don't know who or where to go to find the info about bringing him home once he is granted parole. I am lost about everything. I am glad I stumbled across this site. Some of the others I found were no longer active or had not had a comment in years. Thanks to anyone that has advice or suggestions on who or where to contact about him living with me and my children.
ReplyDeleteSoon to be Bride of a SO
You say you are "clueless about it all." I hope by now you have read his court reports (from the initial to the present) Not so you can "judge' him but so you'll know more about the case from official documents. Also it probably would be helpful to locate and read the legislation that created The Sex Offender Registry in your state because every state's rules and regs. are a little different.
DeleteWhether they are fair or not, he must follow those rules, they are the rules the parole & probation department set down as the conditions which must be followed by the parole-probationer if he/ she wants to remain outside prison and/or not have their parole/ probation revoked and not have to go through just what you are being put through right now.
Bottom line: he can't just 'not register' no matter if he's 'afraid'of losing you etc. He has got to follow the rules. Period. If you choose to stay with him, you will have to conform to those rules also. No getting around them. Fair or unfair is beside the point. Even if your ex is Okay with an 'SO' living there with the boys, social workers and the court may think endangers your boys. They can take your kids. Probably not but still? And then there's Grandparents/ other relatives and neighbors.
Whether his original conviction was fair/ even if he is 'recovered' I'm still concerned that he thinks he can not follow the rules and not register. Adults don't just count on not getting caught and risk the people they claim to love along with themselves.. (I renew my car tags. I don't just rely on not getting caught / hope to get by telling the officer I was afraid someone wouldn't understand)
Sorry I sound so bossy. But 'life on the registry'/ married life all this.Heck, he'll probably need permission not only to live with your kids but to marry you.
The rules are meant to prevent a repeat of abuse. The fact that they are largely 'one size fits all' but they are tailored to fit the worst case scenario. I'm sure he knows by now that, even 14 year olds are legally children who don't have the legal ability to consent to 'sex.'Anyway he needs to figure out what the rules of his 'road' are and choose to follow ALL of them.
Sorry. but if you guys marry, it means you will have to follow those same rules. Don't argue, just keep telling yourself these 'one size fits all rules are intended to protect children from harm.
As far as 'bringing him home, (more bad news) the Parole officer will have to approve his 'release plan' including where he'll live before his release from jail/ prison.
Depending on what the court/ parole board says, you may end up standing in the visiting line at the jail or prison quite a lot while this all gets sorted out. It probably won't help either him or you if, while you are waiting to visit, you discuss that he's a SO with other visitors. Sometimes other cons can be pretty harsh. Don't ride-share with others. You don't want them to bring in contraband you might get blamed for...
I know my 'reply' is probably old comfort, but it is the reality wives of prisoners and wives of sex offenders agree to deal with when they sign on.( living with a 'registrant' sucks but sometimes its worth it.
Thank goodness we have each other and there are places like Not the life where we can be frank and share our experience, strength and hope even if sometimes it feels like being doused with cold water! Take care, JanetM
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI let him sit in jail for 6 days. My children (12 and 10 at the time) were devastated. I didn’t know what to do. I ultimately decided to bail him out, because it was Christmas time, and my kids were destroyed… but not before grilling them if he had ever done anything to them. DCF also was notified and came out to our home to interview us. The case worker seemed satisfied that they were not sexually molested, which reassured me.
So I bailed him out. He explained that he was on a chat app. It was a general chat… someone had come into the chat room one night and asked who was from the state he was arrested in, which he responded as we live so close to the border. He said they went into private messages, and the person told him that they were 18, soon to be 19. There was never anything sexual said, it was just conversation. This chat went on for a fee months, off and on. The day he was arrested, the person asked if he wanted to meet at a McDonald’s for lunch, and he agreed. When he pulled in to the parking lot and the state police surrounded him, ordered him out of the car, slammed him onto the hood and arrested him, he said, “Not me! You got the wrong guy!”
I thought it was very strange that an 18 year old would be interested in my 44 year old husband… my overweight, balding, not physically attractive husband. Why would someone that young want him?? But he insisted on his story. He said the police claimed the person admitted in the private chat that they were 14, but he never saw the message because the chat app often crashed. The attorney he hired, according to him, was confident he would win. That the case would be dismissed, or thrown out. And once again, I kept faith in him. Innocent until proven guilty. So life went on as usual. And I was not a part of the criminal process whatsoever, or meetings with his lawyer or any of that. I let him deal with it and trusted that he was telling me the truth about everything. I wanted to believe that.
Part 3
ReplyDeleteFast forward to April of this year. He had to go to court. He came home that day and explained that he had to take a plea deal. The reason why, he claimed, was because according to the state, they had the chat logs showing the undercover stating that they were 14. His attorney had his phone examined by a forensic specialist, but they couldn’t prove the app crashed at that exact moment. The state’s case wasn’t that strong, but if he went in front of a jury, chances were that they wouldn’t be sympathetic, and he would face 5 years in prison for a felony. It was a 50/50 shot at trial. However, the prosecutor offered this “sweet deal,” and his attorney said “no one ever gets a deal like this!” If he plead “no contest,” (nolo contendere) to the charge, then all he’ll get is 3 years supervised probation, 2 years unsupervised, in 5 years his attorney will have the whole thing expunged, and he does NOT have to register as a sex offender! That did sound pretty good, and as I wanted the nightmare over too, I told him to go for it.
Then the probation officer came out to the house to talk to me… to make sure it was okay that he lived there, as an interstate transfer had to happen. I saw on the paperwork that it said he did have to register, and told the PO that it was a mistake. The PO tried to tell me that I was being lied to. I became defensive, but ultimately said, “No problem, it must be a clerical error, his attorney will fix it.”
I will skip all of the crap that happened after that, including hiring an attorney in our state so that he could leave the state of jurisdiction to come back here to live and work… there were more hurdles which really began to raise my hackles, but he kept explaining it away. I grew more suspicious, and demanded to see the paperwork, including the plea bargain. He told me all kinds of stuff, from his attorney ghosting him, to her assistant saying she would get the paperwork and never sending it, to the courts being backed up in filing the records due to COVID and staffing shortages.
I finally emailed his attorney myself, asking for the case file and plea agreement, cc’ing him on the email. She responded back the next morning that he could sign a release in her office and pick up the documents any time.
It was then that he confessed the truth to me. He lied. He knew he couldn’t keep up the lie anymore. He has to register as a Level 1 for 15 years. Because the Level 1 list is not public, he thought he could get away without anyone, including myself, ever knowing.
Part 4
ReplyDeleteHe told me that he stands by his story that he never saw the message that he was talking to a 14 year old, but admitted to lying about the rest of the judicial process, the sentencing, the probation and everything else… but that was so he could “keep our family together.” This is actually how his mind works… like he was some kind of pillar of strength, some hero. He said he “knew this was coming” and he “just wanted to have as much time with his family at home for as long as possible.” Selfish. Fucking selfish. He is in complete denial and will not face the chaos and devastation he’s caused.
It was all to benefit himself only. He used me. He lied to me. He lied to our children. He has no clue about the impact this has had on us. He tried to minimalize and downplay it all. He insists that he never laid a hand on our daughters or was inappropriate with them in any way, which I do believe (I have since grilled them again, and they still deny he ever did anything to them), but the fact is that he is attracted to teenage girls. How can I allow their friends to come over in good conscience? The answer is, I can’t. Somehow in his mind, he separates our kids out, but other children in their age group is not safe. He went to McDonald’s “for lunch” with an “18 year old”… still a kid, only 3 years older than our oldest daughter is now… and that’s okay??? That’s perfectly normal??? I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be manipulated… to “look at the good in him” and think this was modeling healthy behaviors in a relationship for my kids. Lying about the sentencing and then the legal tangles to come back into the state… that was the last straw to force me to wake up and smell the sickness.
I told him he is not allowed to come back home, he cannot use our address to register as a Level 1 (I don’t give a shit that it’s not public - this is a small town, we know the local cops, they have kids our own kids’ ages, and just NO). I have changed the locks on the doors. My kids want nothing to do with him (right now - I don’t know when and if they will, but I will not prevent him from having contact; I am going to insist that he get mental help in addition to the court ordered sex offender therapy - I can’t allow him to continue to manipulate and mess with the minds and emotions of my kids). I am beginning the divorce process this week.
Part 5
ReplyDeleteThe point of this long, drawn out story is that while I can empathize with many of the feelings wives and loved ones of SOs are experiencing (the confusion, the shame, the misery, losing friends/family, division between mothers and children, the fear of the unknown, fear of financial loss, etc.), I would like to point out that there is only one person to blame for all of it, and that’s the SO. He created this. He put you and your family in this position. My fault in this was ignoring the red flags and not being more involved after he was arrested… not insisting to go to meetings with his lawyer and seeing the evidence for myself. I could have started the divorce process 3 years ago and the kids and I could have already had some time to heal by now. While I sympathize for the struggle of women who choose to stand by their husbands, I also wish they wouldn’t choose to be torn and unhappy. Why put yourself through that? Why tell anyone about your husband’s status as an SO if you don’t have to? For the women who are engaged to a SO… even if he was “upfront” with you (after a few months, when he already had you sucked in), and is so sweet and doting and amazing, etc. (relationships with narcissists always start out that way), you are setting yourself for a lifetime of pain, struggle and misery. I don’t understand why anyone would choose that.
My life is going to change. It is going to be a long, painful recovery, for my children too, but we will be better off in the long run by eliminating the toxicity from our lives. What I’ve learned is that I don’t REALLY know the man that I married. I have been living and raising a family with a stranger, a person who hid who he really was. My husband didn’t care or think about how this would affect us, even when he was lying for the past three years of this criminal process up to the very end… he was only thinking of himself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can’t trust. I knew he would tell lies and exaggerate stories throughout our 16 year marriage, and I was in total denial of how much bigger his problems (which became my problems) actually are. Not anymore. I’ve supported and enabled unhealthy behaviors enough. Ladies… I know you want to be loving women. I know you want to be strong and faithful… very noble qualities indeed… but don’t be stupid. You deserve better from life. Don’t sacrifice yourself, your mental and emotional well-being and that of your children for someone who will drag all of you down with them. I am not judging everyone in this situation. I’m sure there are circumstances where one was framed or wrongfully accused or it was all a big, explainable misunderstanding… but I’m inclined to point out that no one gets on the sex offender registry by accident.
I hope everyone makes the best choices for themselves and their kids. I especially hope that if someone has an experience similar to mine, that they will find this comment, and my story helps them in one way or another. This was not the life I chose, but the life I will have moving into the future is chosen. I am looking forward to one with my eyes open, better decisions made, self-respect and peace of mind!
Sorry these are out of order… I thought “Part 1” had posted first.
ReplyDeletePart 1
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon this blog while searching Google for support for wives of sex offenders. I have read some testaments from spouses in a similar situation to mine, but the difference is that they mostly seem to be willing to stay in the marriage.
I’m not.
16 years of marriage. The first red flag came was when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant with our now 15 year old daughter. I saw an email he had received from a “woman” from his home town who heard he was getting married and had a baby on the way and she missed him and does he still ever think about her?? I confronted him and asked who she was… he explained away that it was the sister of one of his friends who he “messed around with” one night. His friend was 26, the sister was about 23 years old, he said. Not long after, and I can’t even remember how I came to find out (I think through a Facebook page), I learned that the friend was 18, and her sister was 15. Fifteen years old. Keep in mind, he was 30 at the time. He explained to me though that where he came from, a small town in the South, that this was normal. People conducted handshake deals on business transactions (like the sale of a house/real estate - stupid - who does that??), and it was perfectly normal there for grown men to have relationships with teenage girls - it was part of the town’s culture for centuries. His own mother, in fact, was 16 when she married his 27 year old father. This, unfortunately, all turned out to be true. My first instinct was to run like hell; but I bought his bullshit excuse about how he had changed, he knew it was not acceptable, he loved me and wanted to grow old and die with me and whatever other excuses/justifications/bullshit he said at the time. I was pregnant and scared of raising this baby by myself (while also scared that I had made a horrible mistake) - so I bought it all and turned a blind eye. I didn’t tell a soul about it, I was too ashamed. It was easier just to let it go.
In hindsight, I should have went with my gut. Easier does not always mean better. What followed throughout the years were more red flags (not all related to sexual dysfunction), and a pattern of messes he created which I always had to clean up, like not paying his taxes the year before we were married (a $3600 problem turned into a $20,000 one - I knew nothing about it until the state sent a letter in the mail years later), or losing his job then not looking for work for 2 years, causing our home to go into foreclosure (we filed bankruptcy and sold it before it was foreclosed).