What the rebellious voices of our own Anger say to us depends a lot upon on where our anger is pointed. Depends upon whether our anger is pointed at ourselves. Upon how much of our anger is really fear, or depression, or grief striking out or burying itself in our heart. Incest mothers, the wives and girlfriends of sex offenders must deal with anger, just as we deal with "the knock," with the judges and the social workers in different ways. Just as we have to deal with "Villagers with Pitchforks"
Just who gets dumped with our anger sometimes just depending upon which "last straw" we are reacting to at the moment.
It's easier to be pissed off at some hapless stranger over the counter at some store, over the phone, than to deal with the results of shouting at some social worker who has the power to make our lives hell. But then we do go off...sometimes even to our own surprise.
So what do we do with this intense anger? This Rage?We can rationalize, suppress, deny, you know all those defense mechanisms we aren't supposed to be using either, the ones we learn about in therapy? Anger, rage even, often seems to fill the gap between "frozen with fear of exposure" and "finding ways to deal with the consequences" and "deciding we can out grow this" If nothing else we need to regulate our own anger so we don't self destruct.
We may decide that the pleasure we might gain over killing some @#$% would only mean we would pay for our rage with the rest of our lives, would only mean another "donation" of the precious time we might have left "when all this is finally all over." (As in when we wonder, will "it" ever finally be over?" I'm here to tell you it will, eventually, but not all of "it." Rage is really hard to regulate, moderate, use to our own advantage...)
I confess, I am angry, a lot and a lot of the time. I am Ambushed by my own anger into reacting in ways even I hardly expected in front of people who do not deserve it. Mostly not at the things or people I should be angry about. Those things, those systems, that well that expect me to be nice.
From their perspective the wives of sex offenders are "hysterical" "paranoid" "too easily influenced" "not nice" b*tches From their perspective we should have known all along. The sort of woman "drives men to drink" even might have driven a man to adultery or into to the bed of his own minor child? Driven him to Pornography, to watching the rehearsal of sex offenses he hadn't even yet dared?
Real grown-up Women are willing to be co-operative in everyone's best interest but they are not necessarily submissive. (Now that's an old fashioned word still taught in traditional churches to women expected to jump at the chance to marry a good provider (provided we are just not angry, that we just never show anger! I don't know how many times my mother cautioned, "Now be Nice. Just be nice." Smile pretty.) No wonder (some of us were angry before and then more angry after we realized our betrayal.)
Even thinking about how "this" child sexual abuse stuff is so tangled up in other power issues, well, they tell me "it" made me unreasonably angry. And I already know, as a (sort of) nice woman, raised in middle class America, I am strictly forbidden to express anger unreasonably and they get to define unreasonable. No. Suppress, deny, channel anger, turn it into depression, just never demand change never "get in anyone's face!" (and if you forget and scream, apologize over and over...never blame "it" on them. Blame it on the time of the month.)
Maybe that's why I laughed when I read about that woman in Texas who beat her (long-time) lover to death with her own purple 5-inch purple stiletto. (She said he "liked a little pain" but probably he didn't count on her loosing "it" to quite that extent!)
Or maybe she just never figured out quite how to deal with all her suppressed "irritation. Maybe she was "on her period" Or, maybe she just never realized how depressed she really was about being stuck in that particular "long term relationship?" She had just had it with rolling her eyes and muttering "Idiot" I guess.
Women blame themselves for their own endemic depression and all the while we continue to "smile pretty for the camera." We snap, snipe, snark, rant, gossip, lash out (quietly.)
Then we just loose it, sort of kick off our stilettos (at least verbally) sometimes at the simplest request. Mostly we do just quickly apologize, like little kids when we are threatened (like little kids afraid we will be sent home from the party, won't be invited back by the villagers.)
But then rage builds up, until, like that woman in Texas, we cry on the witness stand because we dared kick our shoes off, verbally I mean. And of course we do know that's not how "nice" women should behave so we apologize. Unless we "inflicted a little too much pain, like that lady in 5 inch stilettos in Texas when she kicked off her shoes and "gave him a little pain" because he liked "It." But then what male judge is going to listen to a not-nice woman who lost her temper like that?) You be the judge.
Growing up, they did tell girls that we had no right to "act like that." The message was don't use that tone of voice on power... and never, never on your husband. They will not put up with our being angry and negative "all the time." We know that. but sometimes... I just get so darn tired of saying "Darn" instead of...!@#$%!
Sometimes we are the most angry at ourselves for being such "nice" women, for being Dotty-Sandusky type women who did not question, who were nice and supportive and... of course we are angry. Not just at him. We direct the anger at ourselves for falling for his load of ...Crap.
What did Dotty do with her anger? Didn't she ever see even the possibilities in owning 5-inch stilettos? Was she so depressed that she forgot that what made her happy was not Jerry?
And when people tell me I am an angry woman it makes me angry all over again. Like when I feel pretty good and people tell me how tired I look this morning... well you know.
Most people who suddenly realize the enormity of such an intimate betrayal as child sexual abuse are angry. Enraged even. But a lot depends upon just who/where we direct even well justified anger. When I am about to righteously Go Off, I remind myself, women who kick off their 5 inch (purple) stilettos don't often get their kids back from the court, from the social workers...
I remind myself that I have every right to own 5 inch stilettos but sometimes they need to stay on my feet, until I get with a friend who will understand. A friend who is not afraid of my stilettos because she has been there, done that and she too wishes she hadn't, at least not right at that moment. Every girl needs a friend who is not ashamed to own 5 inch purple stilettos. A friend who knows how to use them, but judiciously.
We were betrayed. Our children were sexually molested. Our life imploded because of his choices. That is the unfortunate reality we remember and deal with every day. But we don't need to keep going off at every little thing. who knew the power vested in at least owning purple stilettos? Having a pair in the back of our closet? Owning the power to know when to kick off our shoes?
Before we kill some bystander, I am proposing a simpler thing...Interrupt anger. Say, "Just a minute" to the tirade going on in your head." Don't let our own internal prim- a-dona take center stage everyday of our lives. Our prim-a-dona has every right to own stilettos but her anger/rage has got to at least co-exist with all the other things we need to get done. The prim-a-dona may be our secret energy, but rage cannot control us. We have to be in charge of even 5 inch purple stilettos.
Our children are frightened enough by all the foster care, all the mixed messages, all the anger they also feel and (unfortunately) express when we are least prepared to hear them out) when we least want to listen to them blame us because "Daddy" is in jail...
No, I am not saying "forget and forgive" before you are ready. As I said we have every right to be angry, but we also have the power just put "it" on hold long enough to live life. We can decide to take a Short Mental Vacation like Evie suggests
(even take a warm bath, read a book, just walk our stilettos away from betrayal for few minutes.)
Tell all those "nice" people who insist that you forgive, get over it, suck it up. You know all those people who have always told you, "Now, be nice...") Get "those people" out of our heads for awhile, occupy our own life, focus on loving our children, listening to them instead of the nasty voice in our head (my head) that just wants to kill something...even the messenger.
Ever wonder what Dotty Sandusky must be feeling underneath her sweet smile? Denial, support, loving focus on "her poor misunderstood" Jerry, angry at all the unfairness of the way he's being treated? In Prison. On the registry?
(By the way, the judge just denied Jerry a retrial even though Dotty humiliated herself asking for mercy for her pedophile, even while "villagers with pitch forks continue to pile blame on her.)
How we recognize and make friends with our own anger will make a real difference in what kind of "world" we create for ourselves and our children "going-forward." It will even decide whether we go forward or stay stuck tending to his and our own "poor me" stories much like my father grew his own own Puppy Stories for the rest of his life (see Not the Life post 6/28/14)
So for me the "take-away" is that while it's Ok to have a pair purple stilettos in the back of our closets ( It's empowering even.) Who wants to actually walk around in 5 inch stilettos every blessed hour of every day? Stilettos make our feet hurt. They get in the way.
So... Do Not "Be Nice." Do not "smile pretty" just to make them happy. Remember the power of regulating anger. Remember the power vested in owning a pair of 5 inch purple stilettos and...Transform. Or you can chose to follow the path of my mother who believed "puppy stories" all of her life and remember we do not all need to be Dotty Sandusky.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/03/12/jerry-sandusky-dottie-sandusky-today-c...
Mar 12, 2014 ... Jerry Sandusky's wife says she would have known if her husband was ... Dottie Sandusky invited cameras inside for the first TV interview from
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