Friday, February 7, 2014

Don't teach your children submission

I was at a bookstore last weekend with my kids. They were playing with a train table that was set up in the children's section. There were other kids there with their grandpa, the oldest of which was a girl about Elise's age. We were all having a nice time together until the little girl asked her grandpa if she could go find her mother who apparently was elsewhere in the store.

He said "Stay here, she'll come find us when she's done."

The little girl replied, "I'm a big girl," tentatively, like she wasn't sure if she believed it herself, "so I can find her and I'll come back . . ." She took one step away from him, looking wistfully outside of the Children's section.

He grabbed her with one hand, turned her to face himself, and said harshly, "You don't say no to me! Stay here!"

Hearing that froze me in sadness for the little girl. I have been in that grandpa's shoes juggling multiple kids. I should probably mention that he had the youngest of his charges in his arms, a baby of maybe four or five months, and the next oldest was about two years old, so it wasn't an easy group, I'm sure. In every way, he seemed gentle and jovial with them until that exclamation.

You don't say no to me.

Does that resonate with anyone else out there? It makes me shudder.

Many, many times, I have to order my kids to do things or not do things, usually for health or safety or so I can get to work on time. I probably sound like that grandpa in those moments. But I also counter those moments with explanations of why things are the way they are and discussions about potential ways we could change those situations. I let my children talk and think. Everything is a conversation. I encourage my kids to question me and discuss issues. I have even started teaching Elise negotiation stategies in those moments when she asks for something and I say no. The result is that my children seem defiant sometimes AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME.

My goal as a parent is not to be in control, but to teach my kids how to navigate life. A key part in that is letting them talk back. If they can't talk back effectively in every day situations to someone who loves them, how will they stand up for themselves in a scary and stressful situation?  I hope my children know that they can say no to authority figures. I hope they know that they are allowed to disagree because I am NOT raising submissive children.

Submission, I believe, is a key factor in abusive situations. We have enough victims around here, so let's teach the next generation how to avoid it. Let's put an end to hyper-controlling parenting and let's raise confidant, non-submissive kids.

2 comments:

  1. When I read things like this, I feel jealous of how much easier my dad's generation had it. And their parents. I suspect my grandmother never felt compelled to engage in a battle of wits with a four year old or any sort of debate in order to determine who was calling the shots. I know my dad sure as hell didn't. And he very seldom came under fire for his methods. As a child, I was taught that my body was mine and I was taught about privacy and when to tell an adult. I also routinely heard phrases like "because I said so" and "you're getting a little big for your britches". I sure as hell knew what the pecking order was and I didn't dispute it. I only wish I could instill the same sense of boundaries and humility in my own daughter. Sometimes she makes me wish it were the 50's again.

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    1. Oh please don't wish for the "good old days". That old pecking order that made life easier on parents also made easier prey for child molesters and abusers. That was my point, by the way. I don't want to raise victims. I hope you don't either.

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