I had insomnia last night. I could still be sleeping soundly right now, like my children, but my brain is too busy. At first I thought it was because I watched The Tudors right before bed. It was a provocative episode in which four people were executed, mostly over sexual affairs. Why do I watch it? More about that later.
I finally realized that I am tense because Valentine's Day is approaching. It is plastered all over town in pink and red hearts, so I can't miss it. But it's a day I would very much like to miss. It is the day that everything went wrong last year.
I had thought that it wasn't going to be a big deal to reach the one year mark of this whole affair. Nothing will change, after all. Somewhere in my brain, though, I am still struggling with the question, Is this real? A full year of trying to find truth and reality . . . Maybe I fear that by reaching the anniversary it seals the reality of it all.
This whole affair has been explored by police, lawyers, judges, social workers, psychiatrists, therapists, pastors, and all of the community. They have all declared the reality of this horrible affair. It is probably time for the inner workings of my head and heart to accept it, too.
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