My Baby's Birthday

Last week, we celebrated Sabrina's first birthday. It was a simple party with my mother, my in-laws, Elise and myself. We weren't a very exciting group, except for Elise when she was helping Sabrina unwrap the presents.

At one point, we were discussing weather. It's been a dry winter, yadda, yadda.

Kay said, "This time last year was also sunny and nice."

I tried to recall last year's weather, but I drew a blank. "I guess I don't remember."

"You don't remember?! You had the ride of your life that day and nearly gave birth in a car!"

I laughed at myself. Even though we were celebrating Sabrina's birthday, I hadn't thought once about the actual day of her birth!

It was a wild day. I labored at home, which was my plan, but we waited a little too long to leave for the hospital. I sat backwards in the passenger seat because sitting properly was unbearable with a baby's head pushing out. Jake drove the car and reached speeds well over 100 mph. Elise was strapped in the seat behind me. She managed to fall asleep on the drive despite the break-neck speeds and me moaning at full volume in her face.

I have vivid memories of the moments between contractions. There was no pain at all, only a euphoria of endorphins. I looked out the car windows and saw bright green fields (the color was likely amplified by my "high").

That day was beautiful. But the next day was even more so.

We were home again within a day. I had been laying on the sofa all morning, but Jake called me outside. I complained at first - I had just given birth to a baby! Let me rest!

"It's really nice out here. You have to see this." So I got up with the tiny baby in my arms and shuffled to the door, still skeptical. Elise also had to be persuaded to leave the house. But once we were outside, there was no question where I'd be staying until sunset. I think it was in the 70s with no wind (the lack of wind itself is a miracle). I was content to just sun-bathe for hours.

Jake entertained Elise at first by helping her ride her new tricycle. I watched them go round and round, so simple, so happy. Then Elise got distracted and Jake sat down with me. I handed him Sabrina. I have a picture of him holding her on that day. He's so comfortable, so tender.

Last night, we ate the leftover birthday cake at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Big Rev had his camera out, taking pictures of Sabrina standing on her own (her new trick). Then he handed me the camera to show me some old photos. There was Jake again, holding newborn Sabrina at the hospital. Again, so fatherly, so proud, so full of love.

Sometimes I will rage against Jake on this blog. You may forget for a while that I love him. He has offended me so deeply. And yet, deeper than that, I still love him. And I hope Elise and Sabrina find a way to still love him even though he can never play the traditional father role again. Someday, I hope Sabrina will treasure those pictures that captured the few moments when she really had a Daddy.